A Look into the Mood of the Past

Some stream-of-consciousness (esque) little notes I found in my phones memory today. I wrote these months ago, and while my opinion has changed slightly, I can still see the world through the depressed lens I wore for so long by reading this. I think there's some wisdom, if you look for it.

"A depressing fact of growing up, at least for me, is a decreasing desire to follow your childhood dreams. It's not that you don't still want to do those things; instead, you start seeing lies, greed and corruption in all the places that you held as purest/holiest. You don't want to be part of a machine that goes against your beliefs; ironically, the same ones that They claim to live by. In the beginning, you think that you can be that one that makes the difference; that one who turns the tables and puts the game on its head. But slowly you realize that's what everyone thought when they got in: "I'm going to change the world by following my pure dream. I'll remove the obstacles in the way." But you get worn down and jaded, and start to feel its not worth the lifetime effort. Who will appreciate you having paved the way, when everyone else wants to cling to the idea that they could've paved something else instead?"

bad boys: late, petty theft, inconsiderate, they are just simply BOYS

Bad men: criminals, psychos, fucking scary

When you graduate from bad boys, you don't go to bad men. Bad men will kill you. So dating a bad boy is dating a boy, seeking to relive youth through someone who's terrified to leave it.

The Next Step in the Evolution of Humanity

                       I'd always thought of myself as one of those precocious children/teenagers who have a fairly sturdy moral and ethical basis from which they live their life; one that they'd proudly defend in the face of social pressure. But I've realized, with great sadness, that I'm quite the opposite. Maybe it was true when I was younger, but over the last few tumultuous teenage years, it's undeniable that my resolve has dissolved to a thin and watery base. I've made some pretty bad mistakes according to my own moral compass, and then further disappointed myself by repeating them, all the while chanting to myself, "I'll never be that person again."

              The full impact of my personal betrayal hit me last night. My boss can't work without background noise, so every night we listen to CBC news on a tiny TV in the back corner of the room. I was mixing up a batch of canneloni when an update on Malala Yousafzai played. Now here is a young girl to be admired and looked up to. She grew up in a place where just being born with ovaries put her at a disadvantage for life, nevermind her outspokenness and commitment to her beliefs. Here is a person, a young girl, who, unlike girls born in the US or Canada, cannot be described as "impressionable"; a young girl who fully stands behind what is right by her. The fact that she survived the brain-grazing bullet shows her incredible will to live and leave her world a better place than it was in her youth.

              I had to ask myself, would I stand behind my beliefs if it meant I would face death? And reluctantly, embarassed, I have to admit: no. I am in a fortunate enough position that I don't know the true meaning of backing up my moral compass with my actions. I'm fortunate enough that I don't have to have concrete beliefs worth dying for. We live in a culture where we rely on people like Malala to take the stand and do something about it. In doing so, we lose the core of ourselves: what we stand for, what we are willing to do for or to the world, which defines a big part of us.

                As an example, let's look at drunk driving. I am "strongly against" it, and always have been. No one in my family that I know of has been killed by a drunk driver. My mom has told me stories from the 70's, when a vast majority of her friends would "on occasion" drive drunk, and all of them are still alive. And yet I am against it.

                     About a year ago, I met a guy that I really liked. I'm talking full on puppy love, just totally nuts over this guy in two short days. I had known him for less than a week when he invited me to go on a little driving adventure, a business trip. After the business was done, I asked if we could pop into a liquor store. I had been drinking before meeting up with him and wanted to keep my buzz going, feeling a little nervous. So he picked up a mickey of vodka and we set off in his classic little Volkswagon to check out a cool local landscape nearby. I was shocked, literally blown back into my seat, when, as we rounded a very sharp corner at 30 over the speed limit, he cracked open the mickey and took a big swig. I really wanted him to like me, so I didn't say anything, and we kept driving. I figured if I could drink the vodka fast enough, there wouldn't be any for him and that would solve the drunk driving moral dilemma for me. But when that didn't work (shocker!), I squeaked:

 "Uhm, I'm not really for drunk driving."

"Oh, we're fine, I drive on these roads all the time," he replied coolly, blowing air out of his nose as if I had said I was against showering.

                  And that was the end of that. I watched him get drunker, the car starting to weave over the yellow line here and there, and my only course of action was to get more drunk to hide the niggling feeling that I was in a bad situation, the feeling that I was doing myself a great disservice. I knowingly put my life in the hands of a virtual stranger, a dumb kid who did this "all the time, it's not a big deal." I sacrificed my beliefs, my trust in myself and potentially my life in order to feel accepted by this one person. I sold myself for a fleeting feeling of acceptance. Now imagine if we had flown off the road on one of those scary sharp corners. Would it be worth it?

                   So I applaud Malala, and I look up to her as a hero and a role model not just to young girls, but to everyone. She was fully aware that championing her beliefs was putting her in a line of fire, and she had the guts to do it anyway. She is brave enough to stand up for and do what's right by her own moral compass, something which I think the majority of us wish we would do ourselves more often.

                My second resolution this year is to stand behind what I feel is right. If I don't want to be somewhere or be doing something because it's uncomfortable, unsafe, or it just does not feel right for whatever reason, I will leave, I will say something. If I'm in a situation where ditching what's right by me is right by someone else, I will leave that situation; I will leave that person in my past.

Why? Because I aspire to be more than an animal acting out of instincts. I am a woman on the spiritual path; I am the next step in the evolution of humanity into blissful living. 

Namaste 

{The Light in me sees the Light in You.}